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  • Bailin Pollard

Farewell Mr.McGrath!

Oxford's very own Chris McGrath has taken a full time coaching job at University of Miami, for their men's basketball team. Mr. McGrath graduated Central Connecticut State and is an avid basketball fan. His favorite collegiate team, UCONN, denied his persistent requests to "please give me a job!" All grievances were settled out of court. UMiami, always a school for opportunity, saw the recently sued-to-oblivion teacher/coach as a man with satisfactory talent and a low pay opportunity. Mr. McGrath claims that he "just wanted a courtside view," but those close to him observe excitement not unlike that of a "child on christmas eve" within the young teacher. When asked for his thoughts, McGrath's mentor and fellow coach Mike Lindquist said this of his protege: "It's a funny story actually. Chris was a real humble guy until one away game he was announced as head coach due to an error on the part of our hosts. He started getting heady and began talking at length about his future as a college coach." Mr. Lindquist, a self-proclaimed "reasonable guy" didn't want to hurt Mr. McGrath's feelings, so he gave him some half-hearted encouragement. This may be a shock to fans nationwide, but in an unprecedented turn of events, UMiami's Athletic Director, Blake James, did not inform head coach Jim Larranaga of his scheduled resignation until Mr. McGrath's arrival to sign his contract. Larranaga reacted violently when approached by our field correspondent, Will Feinberg, yelling, "No, I'm not Joe Biden! Who let him in here?!" In his confusion over being assigned to a sports rather than political research article, Mr. Feinberg ran over the ex coach repeatedly with an unmarked car. Our prayers go out to the family of the still recovering Mr. Larranaga and our small budget for criminal expenses has failed to post bail for Will. He awaits trial. Seeing an even more pressing need for a head coach for his team, Mr. James offered "200 dollars up front, then 15 dollars a year with flexible pay and opportunity for bonuses." When approached, a teary Andrew Rhoads, a former colleague of McGrath's commented between sobs, "I-I just can't believe it's really happening for him. He's been like a brother to me; Chris was the only one to cheer for me when I got the waterboy job at Oxford..." Mr. McGrath declined to comment, but he did raise an eyebrow and walk away very quickly when asked. Our best wishes to you, Mr. McGrath! Remember, students, Oxford Nation has decided to donate to Will's bail for dress down and offers a 3 days for 2 dollars deal, seeing as bail was posted at 12,500 dollars.

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